So much for the long weekend.
Blink and you might just missed it.
Now onward to the monday holiday
or as one would call it, the HRHH (i.e. hari raya haji holiday).

fluttering slips of
yellow paper set my heart
a-fluttering too

water waterfall
water falling water fall
waterfall falling

Hmmm... haiku for a 10 year-old.

In a bed made for two
I can curl up like an island
in a sea of silky cream
or
sleep with my arms spread wide
hugging a world of dreams.

In a bed made for two
I can toss and turn
uninterrupted and free
or
jump and break some springs.
Who cares? Not me.

In a bed made for two
I can surround myself with
an army of cushions
or
sweep it clear as i lay
in various odd contortions.

In a bed made for two
I can create deep soft burrows
for the cat
or
kick him off though
he wouldn't like that.

But do you want to know what's cool
about this bed made for two?
It is really, really all i want,
for it's a bed meant for one.

Long disturbing dream throughout the night that i would be late for work today which not surprisingly made me toss and turn in fear and resulted in me not being late but instead, woke up way too early.

It is a start to a horrible monday.
I just know it.
Rub eyes.
Yawns.

Totally forgotten the 4 digit code on my bicycle lock and have misplaced the slip of paper with the code written on it. Good thing is, i have not locked the wheel but the bad news it, the lock shall remain on the bicycle shaft until i remember the code like a piece of redundant jewellery. Bought the lock in japan and i remembered trying to find one with the easiest to remember code. Well, a load of good that did. I have a vague memory of it and spent the last half hour trying various combinations without avail. I am so tempted to just cut the lock and be done with it. Yet i am not prepared to do that, it being bought in japan (well, i guess it is sort of a gift) and all. Sigh. Well, since it is not exactly in the way and i am in no hurry to get rid of it, i guess i shall just leave it and try one combination a day. I am sure one day it will be opened.

Hmm.. how many permutations would that be then? 4 different digits from 1 to 6 excluding the obviously incorrect ones such as 1111 to 6666... i guess there are still alot of combinations to try. I am quite sure it starts with 5 though. Ah well.

It rained and it rained in the past two days. I wonder why does it always rain when its the lunar new year. In any case, that didn't stop me from going out and joining some jc classmates for a steamboat at one of girl's house. We bought the ingrediants in the nearby shopping centre but had to be ferried across the road by her husband in his car because it was raining cats and dogs. And so it remained, raining till we had to leave a few hours later. It wasn't easy calling for a cab in that weather, not to mentioned that we needed 3 cabs between the 6 of us leaving. It was a great evening despite the rain though. My classmate's two daughters were really cute and the older one was just at the age (going to turn 3) where she enjoyed babbling to all the "aunties" and "uncles" crowded around her while the younger one was trying to crawl around our feet. It is easy to see how having children has suddenly turned one of the most playful of our classmates into a responsible young mother. As the rest of us "singletons" were bitching about work and laughing about naughty stories (a particular joey from the army days and whether transsexual experience "sexual pleasures" from their new organs), our young mother was busy running around her children, putting one to sleep and making sure the other didn't have food dribbling down her shirt. Her husband was similarly occupied while the rest of us continued making a ruckus in the kitchen as one of our more "culinary-challenged" classmates tried her hand in putting together packaged tang yuan and canned peanut soup. I never laughed so much in a class gathering.

It is great to be back in the loop again and we are already talking about having another in march as there are a couple of us having our birthdays then. Given that i am the one who is staying alone (well, sort of), we are tentatively having a sleep-over at my place during the march holidays. I guess i am "it" for coordinating this one. *grins* It is nice that everyone is so "on" about meeting up together and doing things despite us pursuing pretty much different things in life. I didn't think at first that people would want to meet up in a semi-regular mode but when this next gathering was proposed, everyone said they can make it (hopefully). I know i would tried to make it happen for one. I don't know about the others, but for me, despite having other friends and things to do, i suddenly realized that i am happy to be back in this ex-classmates circle again. And even though it has been ten years and everyone has sort of grown, a hard to describe sense of familiarity and comfort remains when i am with them. I feel like i am sort of detached from my daily life when i immerse in this circle with them and its a protective covering against time for a short while. It is not like i went back in time but that we sat outside time for the short period while we are together before jumping back into the time stream once we got into our individual cabs.

I am not sure if i am describing it very well. Needless to say, i am happy and strangely contented.

Bits and Pieces of a lethagic brain

I don't know if each year the holidays just loses it's meaning a little by little or that i am getting older and older hence rapidly losing interest or excitement.

My brother just asked me if it was him or are the shows on tv just gotten unbearably boring.

It rained on the 2nd day of chinese lunar new year and i have just finished watching The Flame of Recca on my new dvd player.

Mom's cooking still taste as fantastic as ever but i can't really enjoy them, being ever conscious of my weight.

Dad took my bike out for a spin and i don't remember seeing him ride on the bicycle.

New car doesn't exactly purr like a kitten but its close enough.

The cat pooped on my bed after i changed its cat food.

I think he is right, i do treat my friends better.

Doing nothing all day makes me feel like snacking.

Rain stopped and i think i will try go for a spin.

Brother leaving on the 8pm flight which means dinner tonight will be early.

Suddenly, i have an urge for tang yuan.

Have to blog this rather than keep adding onto the comments for the post below...


Just as anyone would try to empathize with the child or the parents or the teachers or therapists...

bottomline for me is.. i will always stand on the side of the child.

Though that is not to say that i cannot understand the problems teachers have becos i worked with so many and more often than not, we try as much to solve these problems as we go along.. such has providing appropriate training in handling the behaviour, consulting with them, preparing the materials.. and yes occasionally even have to clean up the shit and drool when the teachers are so tied down by other children...

i have been spat at, kicked, scratched, pushed and tripped too... so i know how frustrating it can be especially when you cannot react. But one thing to remember is to never take it personally. That was what i found out on my very first day at work and had a child spat in my face. If they can help themselves, why would they need us in the first place?

Actually, there are alot of teachers i enjoyed working with and all of them are patient, kind and strong in their own ways. From them, i saw a selfless part of humanity that you don't always see and they never asked to be commended or rewarded. You can see true joy when they teach their students regardless of "progress".

But ultimately if their hearts is not for helping the child and just being too concerned about getting their hands dirtied or having the child "fit" into "THEIR" system or comfort zone.. then i am sorry because i really have limited patience for people like that.

Did i mentioned that i am dogmatic in my own way too?

I don't profess to know more than some teachers teaching in my school. Truth to be told, i have learnt a lot from some of them, but forgive me if said, i really cannot fathom, for the life of me, what i can learn from teachers who advocate "CONTROL" to a bunch of 6 year-olds children with autism.

Yes, CONTROL. With bright bold letters written on the board, CONTROL is number 8 on the list of rules these children has to follow apart from the usual class rules of "sit nicely" and "listen to teacher".

What the heck is CONTROL suppose to mean? Bladder control? Bowel control? What? Does it mean if you wiggle your fingers, twitch your toe, that meant you are not CONTROLling yourself? No talking. No sitting out of your hoops. No playing with your buttons. No fidgeting. No looking around the room. Sit straight. Cross your legs. Eyes front. Quiet. Listen. Roll over and play dead.

There has got to be a better way.

For god sakes! They are only 6! How many CONTROLLED 6 year-olds do you know? I have seen 26 year-olds having problem controlling themselves at times too. These children are already autistic and does not possess a "normative" ability to "have fun" from their lack of social and communication skills. And you want them to be more CONTROLled? Follow certain subtle social rules such as waiting for another person to finish before talking, giving eye contact and listening... well, yes! But CONTROL? Is that normal? Do you expect that of YOUR children? Total rigidity and CONTROL 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Whenever we take these children out for group therapy session (teaching basic social and pragmatic skills), they always look so... anxious initially. Like they have no idea what they CAN do or what is allowed. But they can have fun too when they are more relaxed! But in their classroom where CONTROL is the key, how does one relax?

Another class, another group of children with autism, same age and just as bright.

They are by no means CONTROLled but god, do they have fun! So much laugher and smiles whenever i see them as they are doing art and craft, playing games or even doing a lion dance for CNY. Sure, none are exactly sitting without fidgeting, or listening all the time or staring straight ahead but they are hardly destructive and "wild" like animals to warrant CONTROL waving at their noses.

There are lessons to be learnt where i work with these wonderfully sweet yet innocently flawed children... But CONTROL will never be one of them.

Happy CNY... :)

Where can i find the dream dealer?
I would like to sell some memories.

There are things you miss once you lost them.

The exit came up on the freeway a while back and i've already missed it.
There is not other way but just keep driving.

One of my oldest friend (okie, old in terms of the years we have known each other, not as in she is very old) got married today. Both she and her husband are doctors, hence it is no surprise that the wedding banquet is filled with doctors. Very formal dinner, where i hardly knew anyone. Not sure if i am comfortable there but i am very, very happy for her. :)

Attended one of the programs for Wordfeast, Poetry in the flesh
and met one of my old classmate from first 3 months of JC.

Seems like the last two months i have been meeting a lot of people in my past.

The coffee was brewing for a bit and was left simmering.
After a while it turned cold.
Now i think i rather have green tea.

Now that my parents know everything that had happened between me and him, i felt slightly more relieve even though i was initially quite unhappy that he told my mom. I don't know why i never told my parents myself, probably trying not to worry them, trying to stop them from nagging about it, worried to disappoint them if i am not living a happy life, and more importantly, not wanting them to have negative thoughts about him despite all that has happened.

Yet, it was okie when they knew.

Perhaps i have grown up alittle in their eyes.
Perhaps they are more conscious about how i feel.
At the very least, they have stopped urging me to get married and realized that i should be happy first and foremost.

You know what?
I think i should be happy first and foremost too.

After a whirlwind weekend, my parents have came home and now left again for KL, leaving me reeling in shock. It never failed to surprise me how much they can get done in a day and then disappear the next.

Case in point: We got ourselves a new car.

I have still not caught up with them yet and i think if i pinch myself really, really hard, i might just wake up from the dream.

Oh well.. congratulate me...
i have officially received an official speeding ticket for every single country i have ever driven in.
Well, with the exception of Malaysia maybe... since you can always "replace" a ticket with "coffee money".

Yaps!
Got a ticket for speeding at tasmania.
Woo hoo.

Reading about dreams and suddenly i remembered about the strange dream i had a week ago. It was an undetermined place and time, and everyone in my dream was talking to me in french (or what i assumed to be french) despite me not understanding a word of it. Strangely, everyone looked asian and did not realize that i have no idea what was being said. Hence it went on and on, and i became increasingly frustrated.

The Gatsby advert never fail to make me laugh.
Ya, the one with the silly man in purple singing in japanese before turning into a singing skeleton.
And who can forget the "If you are happy, clap your hair" one.
It is just so silly!
Well, in a cute (ugly but adorable) way.

I think festive has stop being in my repetoire of feelings.

Dec 31, 2003

You know, each year as new year's eve comes around the corner, you keep hoping that something will change or something will improve. You go out, have fun, drink lots of alcohol, shout, dance, sweat, push your way through throngs of people, gather your friends together, toast each other, sing, laugh, jump, count down at midnight... and hope to wake up the next morning finding everything has become brighter, more cheerful, happier or just plain different. Expecting a change in the people around you, the environment around you, change inside you. Expecting that you can really start afresh, wipe the slate clean and emerge virginal once more, pure and simple. You have made more resolutions and expected to keep them finally, this year would be THE year. It has to be. With a blind optimism, you rejoiced the passing of one year and accept the coming of the next with forced cheer and alcohol-induced happiness with a group of like-minded friends. Trying to gather strenght and support to step through the threshold of another year through sheer numbers. Or sometimes, just having a wary resignation for the years that had bulldozed through your life and yet, managing to stick a smile on your face and make yourself believe that perhaps, this year it would be a kinder and gentler year. Perhaps it would be. It has to be. Till you find yourself facing another new year's eve. Another new year's party. Another gathering with friends. Another round of drinks. Another round of toasts. Another year.

I wanted none of that this year.

Saturday

Was invited by angie to a bbq/chalet in changi with tons of people i don't really know very well. There were lots of food and drinks (mostly alcoholic by the looks of the icebox and fridge), and the people were quite nice to be with in general though i have not spoken to most before. Couple of them were from the sausage party at my house two months ago (holy cow, has it been so long?), and it was great to meet up with them again. However, the most interesting thing that happened (other than the guy that went around toasting other with a lethal bowl of vodka/sprite), was when my friend angie introduced me to one of the girls at the bbq. Turned out that she sort of recognized me and later we found that we were in the same class for first 3 mths in ACJC after she told me her name. Small world. What was even more freaky was when i asked her what was she doing and she said, "fencing mostly", suddenly tiny clogs and bolts in my brain clicked (in a nanosec) and i burst out with "OH MY GOD! You are the UStravelmate! (courtesy of Vaya's blog)". The amazing thing was, while at tea with B12 and snow that very afternoon, her name had came up during our conversations (involving NYD, greenbean soup). While her name was quite unique, it was her occupation that really stood out. So when we met at the bbq, it was like six degree of separation all over again, but even more freaky. Like i said, small world. Anyway, the rest of the evening was fun, especially those people from the sausage party who stayed till quite late as well. Finally crawled home around 230 after flinching a bottle of archer's and baileys (ermm.. as nudged by angie) for our next party.

Hmm.. pasta party anyone? :)

2003 was an uneventful year.
It is hard to compare it from the year before that.
Better?
Worse?
I think for different years i've contented with different things.
Last year, i found out more about myself.
I reached out and connected with more people, other than those in my comfort zone.
I did my job the best that i can and enjoyed what i've done.
For most part, i tried to be a good friend to the few good friends i have, though i know i may have failed for some.
I tried to pick myself up from my "failures" of 2002, in some ways i have succeed but i know in many ways, i have not.
My family were still far away in different places, but were never far from my thoughts.
Finally, towards the end of the year, i've decided to face up to the facts and not be a slave to memories.

My colleague said, the difference between 2003 and 2004 is only one second.
Yet, a small step to me seems quite so immense to take, even its only across one second.

Even when the step is taken into a new year.
So what?
This side of the year looks quite the same as the side i just stepped through.
I think i should give it some time.

I know i didn't do it very well...
But how else could i have said it?
That i wanted to walk through the threshold to a new year alone, and not with you?
I would just bring over, to the new year, what should be important.
My self (and yes, perhaps my cat).

After that, i started the new year with what i really wanted: to sleep peacefully without dreams.
Not that the crossing over had been easy, a phonecall, chit-chatting with friend made it easier.
Making the passing of year to year hardly noticible.
For that i thank you.

Happy new year everyone...